Close your eyes and think about the most recent thing that's been really working in your life. You're spirits are lifted, you bop to your Ipod a little more than usual and your breathing is less weighted. Do you second guess why you've gotten what you've deserved? Is your mind going in circles asking "Why me?" or "Good things all come to an end"? All of us have. Think of your mind as a room (or house...full of rooms, that's my case at least). Inside of this room contains all of our common ideas about what life has to offer. The one door in this room is slightly left ajar, outside of it there's a blinding light. Dreamy, right? None of that florescent stuff (it makes your skin look a squillion times worse than it really is). This light contains all of our idealistic approaches to life and all of that good, juicy, meaty creativity that we find too "far out" for us. When you think of a new idea, or a new approach to a role, you're first thought is: Will this work? A lot of what I've been taught is to leave your judgments at the door and roll with the punches. If your idea doesn't work, at least you tried something new. If you don't have the guts to try out what's in your gut, then you're not the artist you give yourself credit for. I find that when I follow my instincts (in art, in life) I tend to make better decisions. Going out on a limb is okay, but how soon we forget; after all, saying something is a lot different than actually taking initiative to act upon it.
This week I've given myself the opportunity to open up my mind a little more. Now, I'm a very open-minded and opinionated person, but with that I tend to drift into my own hole of longing and pessimism. Naturally, when I open up to someone about my insecurities, I have compliments (fulfilling or empty) tossed into my deep basket of dirty laundry. My insecurities come from a lot of aimless thinking, as I've previously mentioned. The more attentive you are the more you can connect with others and survive. Cameron delivers a story of her personal suffering and how her grandmother's life, although it had it's ups and downs, was all focused on the small miracles that the divine had brought her. "Survival lies in sanity, and sanity lies in paying attention." You know how in class there were those who sat attentively in the front row or consistently answered questions and brought debate to group discussions? I wasn't always this person. I was the social butterfly, class-clown, making snarky side commentary and trying to get people to laugh and look past the discussion. I wonder if I had always been more studious, if my life would feel more whole. We also learn through loss. Losing my grandmother couldn't have been more devastating to my family, but it did bring us closer and realize the small joys that life does bring. For the pain we suffered, brings on the healing process--which is enriched in emotion and experience. We live on to tell the tale of our suffering. I know I have, in numerous instances, told many stories where I try to pass on my experience to friends; if they make the same mistakes, I can't say I didn't warn them. Attention "is an act of connection," and each moment of connection we make with a person, an environment, an animal, anything really, was not without it's own beauty.
I know this post was a little delayed, but I was in fact side-tracked. Surprisingly, my boyfriend is one of my biggest supporters but I did get a little lost in the idea that he was back here for a given period of time. My tasks have not been disregarded though (I had most of this blog written in a date we both held in Barnes and Noble, Union Square, to get some work done). Tonight, or tomorrow, I will be posting my week of tasks and moving on to the next chapter. I haven't been auditioning as much as I would like to, but right now that's ok due to a little self-discovery. Tomorrow I'm going to go in, again, for the non-union tour of Cabaret and hopefully pass on to the next round of callbacks. Next week will be Grease and Legally Blonde, on top of work and so forth. Currently having minor struggles (emotionally) about finances and career options, but ultimately...I'm still breathing and still have my health. Do you think that thinking that keeps us afloat or just pushes aside life's real problems? I'm not sure if I know the answer either.
Download: I Get Around - Dragonette.
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