Now, I don't mean to be a skeptic regarding her quote, but Stella...darling, I'm not sure if I agree 100% here. When you remain positive you're sure that good karma, or God, this being of divinity will "take care of you" and push you and your aspirations towards the light, right? This is indeed an optimistic stand-point, and I've found myself giving extra change to a homeless person, not only because it could feed them (or addiction, same difference) but also because I feel that I've helped the greater good; and also helped myself. It's as if the world is a buffet full of good deeds and bad deeds, and whichever you choose will either make you feel full and complete or heading straight to the toilet. In the economy we're in, it's very rare to remain optimistic about anything in our current times. I'm currently at that stand-still, do I remain optimistic or do I move on and give up.
Giving up and moving on, to me, is a moment of weakness; in some instances, this isn't the case. In relationships, whether your relationship with your significant other (or partner for my gays out there, holla!), parental figures, yourself, and so forth, I feel that breaking off entanglements or trying to rid yourself of your current struggles pushes you into a darker state; I repeat, in some instances, this isn't the case. I did not fully cooperate with my artistic self this week, in my first week, as much as I would have liked to. On the bus ride home from Pennsylvania, I read my Check-In portion of my week only to discover I had only minor breakthroughs and accomplishments; this is good, not great. Call me a perfectionist (I see y'all out there rolling your eyes and saying this to yourselves) but I know I could have accomplished more. My personal and professional life has hit a bump, hence why I'm taking more time for me. I have allowed the road-block to consume my mind where I let go of three mornings worth of morning pages (goodbye possible ideas and vulnerable ramblings) and ditched three possible blog entries. Unacceptable. We are allowed these mistakes, so I'm supposed to breathe and say "it's OK." It is. It's ok. I refuse to say it's "fine" because "fine" doesn't mean much and should never be used. If you ever hear or have heard me use that (or LOL) you should know something is up and isn't right in my world. I have no time for small talk and no time for phoney-baloney comments.
When I think about how far I've come in my past 22 years as a human (or creature from the Black Lagoon, whichever) I look back on those who have really made me feel it's ok to be me. I'm going to go backwards and save the best for last. A director of mine in the past year of knowing me has pushed me further than I have been pushed before. After having been pushed aside from the piles pushed by the grubby, sticky paws of favoritism (haven't we all) I was finally given a chance. Donna Drake is a director, choreographer and, ultimately, a collaborator with her artists. Having only the small amount of time I was given with her, I was given an opportunity and I had to pluck the knowledge of show-business from her enriched brain at every moment I had. Being put through difficult (yes, for me it was difficult) choreography and attempting to create a role solely on my own, I had to be unique. I made a starring role my own, which isn't difficult but I wasn't ever given the chance. I've been told in my past five years of learning that I'm too-thin, not-in-shape, not vocally strong, not a bad dancer but not the best dancer, mediocre, too-gay, too much or too little or not enough of something. Donna made me feel that my heart was always ready for the opportunity to shine on a stage and make something my own. To that, I thank her for the challenge.
When you think of your biggest supporters who comes to mind? For me, it's my friends, family and boyfriend. And I use the term "friend" loosely. I'm not talking about those who I see once in a blue and small-talk with (repeat: I don't like nor do I condone small talk), I'm talking about the guys and girls who are by your side and stick to you like a siamese twin without a choice. They love you, nurture you and want to see you thrive. When is the last time I've felt fulfilled by my peers, and supported by my family? Every day. I told a few about my blog, and for those of you who are still intrigued in following me through my 8 weeks program, thank you for your support. I paint, I act, I try to be a jack of all trades; financially, this is always a good idea. My boyfriend is a writer and having him even take a second out of his day to read my blog has me both anxious and feeling accomplished. Hearing that I have a defined voice in my work and having his support makes me more than appreciative to have him to share this taste of success with me. Thank you to those who have seen my best and worst days and who have not given up faith in my creative-exploration. I've put you all through hell and I apologize that I'm more complicated that a cats-cradle, I'll work for you if you keep working for me.
My grandma (mother's mother) passed on in August 2008 and it was a harsh reality to face. You know when you feel like you've fallen down the rabbit hole and need to find your way again? That's how I've felt. She was an inspiration for why I chose to do this. Having lost the one person I felt completely look at me from an unbiased and open view, I still have one physical thing to hold onto: my phone. I've saved a voice mail from her since my Junior year of college where her simple plea for me to audition makes my day worthwhile. Her faith in me has kept me going and trudging along until something bigger, bolder and fulfilling come along. Food-for-thought: never take anyone or any moment for granted, you may never know what you may lose. What I continue to envision is an image of a woman who knew me better than I knew myself and who undoubtedly welcomed the idea of my success. Without her, I now can attempt a quest of soul-searching that will bring me forward towards enlightenment. Having faith holds onto the key of healing. Maybe if I have more faith, I can unlock the door at the end of the hallway and open up to a new chapter.
"Hi, Jonathan? You better call me back 'cause it's your grandma! I just saw the Altar Boyz on television and thought my grandson could be there! He's one of them! You--oh, please, please go on any auditions they may have because...you're an Altar Boy. I thought it was the greatest thing I've ever seen! Anyway, I'm sorry I woke you up darling. Talk to you later. Bye, bye. I love you."-Irene O'Keefe.