I've recently made a promise to myself to be more on top of my schedule in regards to friends and timing myself out properly. Sometimes I find that making time for people, squeezing in work, a good run, travel and the like, are all very time consuming tasks that I don't plan out ahead of time. On Facebook, I'm a "Maybe Attending," and rarely ever an "Attending." Being a flake is second nature, mainly because my time-management skills have been off. I try and prioritize who I should see and when, so when I back-out of plans it tends to be out of a selfish nature; i.e. I'm taking time for myself to breathe. My recent spell of erratic behavior is due to my point in making myself unstuck from my artistic funk.
As we gain strength and realize the error of our ways, we deal with this by internally attacking ourselves. I'm commonly found over-thinking and analyzing any given situation in my personal life and my work, so this shouldn't come as much of a shocker; I only ask that those close to me understand where I'm coming from. Little things can set me off or make me second-think my choices. "These morning pages aren't as fulfilling as I need...am I doing it right?," "Should I have skipped out on work to go on those auditions?," "Should I really go in for more extra work...or will I be branded a regular?." Early in this stage of recovery (hell, I'm only on week 2), self-doubt can lure me into sabotage. When you have a sense of safe-guard around you, whether it's in your bedroom or in a Barnes and Noble or on the E train, your creativity is open to flourish. For me, I've found my nook of a room has become a bit of a nesting ground for curling up on my rug and sketching. What do I sketch? I'd tell you, if I didn't have an intention for this one piece I'm starting on. My current state is said to be that of a small child, which is odd...considering I'm feeling a bit rocky, temper-ridden and childish. This is ok. As a protective parent of my inner-child, it's my job to stick with safe companions who are supportive of watching me grow and releasing the poisonous ones. This is easy, in my book; I've gotten rid of toxic playmates before, or simply maintained my ground. SO for all y'all loud-mouth talkers with nothing positive to say: It's time to keep it down right now. It's my job to remain optimistic and do things for myself. There was a darker point in my life where I wasn't doing things for myself anymore, and I definitely am not looking to start back-peddling now. I mean...I was never really into spinning class anyway.
After watching an almost painful episode of 'Gossip Girl' (judge away...we all have our guilty...or not so guilty pleasures) I dove into my chapter to discover the term crazy-maker. Crazy-makers are "those personalities that create storm centers," meaning their constantly looking for trouble. Familiar, Blair Waldorf? Why look for trouble? I've been in her pumps so I do get it. They like drama, they are self-centered, life of the party and every one else supplies their supporting cast. Even more familiar. Go on, Cam. "Often larger than life, they acquire that status by feeding on the life energies of those around them." This is why many of the most talented, and egotistical, artists in America come with an entourage, baggage and a bad reputation. Even being tabloid-fodder, you have the fame and make the dough, but are you fulfilled? Power isn't always fulfilling. Princess Diana wasn't happy after all her years of being looked at as a caged animal. Brad and Angelina surely have tensions between their work, their marriage and raising the United Nations. Crazy makers can also be found among us peons as well. Over-bearing parents and friends who constantly judge who you hang out with and how you occupy your time can be considered crazy makers. They shake you until you have nothing to give. They break promises, vows, destroy schedules, expect too much, discount your sense of reality, and waste your time. The type of people who put blame on others and have difficulty owning up to their own flaws, these energy suckers feed on your blood and are mosquitos that survive the slap...if you let them. "If crazy-makers are that destructive, what are we doing involved with them?" I've had a difficult time reading this portion of the chapter, mainly because it's a brutal and harsh reality; I am that crazy myself and self-destructive at times. As a blocked creative I challenge myself to remaining blocked. How? By destructing my inner-peace and over-analyzing. "Take a chill pill" and "Chill the fuck out!" are two phrases I've been told in the past week. Both friends are right. I need to leave the dance floor and walk out for a breath of fresh-air. I owe it to myself.
I had dinner with one of my closest friends this past Sunday evening. After sharing some catch-up talk, I asked him the question: "Are you happy?" He sat there, picking at his Caesar salad, unsure of the answer at first and then stated "Yes and no. There are things that I would rather be doing, but as recent graduates we really don't have it that bad just yet." He's right. We have a long way to go on our journey through soul-searching and career-snatching. His big brown eyes weren't filled with fear but looked enticed to what lies ahead. We are all going through the exact same thing at times. Lost, abandoned, financially unstable and creatively longing. Maybe I don't have it so bad. It's time to sit in the front row, instead of socializing in the back with Julieanne. If you want to find me, I'll be sitting there with my hand raised, eagerly looking for the answers that life has to bestow upon my next chapter.
Song recommendation of the day: Quicksand - Bethanny Joy Galeotti. Download it. Seriously.